Fear: I sat in the center of the circle tonight with everyone staring at me while they wrote out things they liked about me. I was scared of what they were going to say. But more than that, I was afraid of what I was going to say about them. Would it be the right thing to say? Would I say enough? What if I didn't like what I said? What if someone said something better than mine? That is the fear.
Anger: I don't think I felt anger today. I'm thinking really hard about it and can't really think of a moment where I was angry. Good day.
Shame: I don't think there was any shame either.
Guilt: I need to make things better with Melody. I need to go to the temple. I need to work on the User's Manual. I need to do a lot of things.
Loneliness: At group therapy tonight, a husband/wife team came and spoke about their recovery. He is the addict and she is the co-addict. They discussed some of their challenges in making things work together. All I keep thinking was, I wish I had a partner through this. I wish I had someone to work through all of this with. I felt lonely for a few minutes. But just a few.
Pain: Sunburn STILL GOING STRONG!
Joy: The traction at the physical therapist's office today REALLY helped my hip. I stood up and felt different. It was seriously amazing! I think this will work. Maybe no surgery really is an option.
Passion: A passion for life and the future kind of overtook me today. I had great sessions with all of my therapists today -- physical, addiction, food, group... all of it was excellent. I feel on a good path and feel hopeful about my future.
Love: These women in my group therapy session said amazing things about me tonight. I feel loved Also -- one of the therapist called me a force for good. He views me -- the addict -- a force for good. Amazing.
I had that EXACT same fear about the circle...before I freaked out about what people would say about me, I was afraid about what I would say about them! That's what started the panic :) Funny.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you ARE a force for good.
I have a huge issue with comparing myself to others. Would my comments be good enough? Would the person feel the love I have for them? Would I say the right thing? blah blah blah blah BLAH! I'm trying to get better at that.
DeleteThanks, Pam. I was totally amazed when he said that, and then even more amazed that people seemed to agree with him. I have always tried to be a good person and do good, but have felt like my addiction undid everything good I tried to do in my life. I felt honored, knowing that even in the midst of addiction, people thought I was a good person. Thank you.