Reality

In addiction literature there is a lot of talk about "accepting life on life's terms". For the 15 months I have been in recovery, the phrase has been lost on me.  What exactly was that supposed to mean? It seems contrary to what I've been taught all my life: If you want something you go out and make it happen.  What does life's terms have to do with anything?

But over the past week, as I visited with family members and evaluated my life one year into this, I'm starting to understand what the phrase means. 

Case in point:  My mother
In order for me to be healthy, I've had to pull back on my relationship with my mother.  We went from talking everyday, multiple times, to three times a week (which nearly killed her), then twice a week, and now once a week or so. It's been extremely difficult for my mom to watch me pull away. She feels guilty, which she tells me all the time.  She worries about me, she talks about me, she tries to find information about me through other children, etc., etc., etc. However, my emotions have stabilized. I'm not on a constant roller coaster with her. I'm not part of the drama circle in the family. 
The problem: I've been resentful that it has to be this way. Why can't we have that ideal mother/daughter relationship I've always wanted? Why does she have to be so dramatic about everything? Why can't I trust her? Why can't I have what I want?  I've prayed the last few weeks about how to build a healthy relationship with my family.  Today I made progress. I have to give up the fantasy in my head about what our relationship "should" be like, and accept what it is. I must accept life on life's terms if I am going to make progress on any relationship in my life.

I think this is what Elder Bednar meant when he spoke of "Things as They Really Are". That talk had a profound effect upon me a few years ago when I first read it.  It was one of the things that helped me want to give up addiction. It started a stirring in me to fix what was wrong. It helped me see my addiction and the things I had been doing as they really were, as part of my reality. 

I realize now, as the addiction fog continues to lift, that nearly my entire life has been lived in fantasy.  Not the sexual kind, though there was plenty of that, but just the fantasy of what I wanted things to be like.  I compare people to how I think they "should" be in my fantasy world. I compare relationships to the "ideal" I've created in my head. I compare even myself to this ideal, fantasy version of what I think I "should" be like. But none of it is real. It's this imaginary, fantasy place in my head.

The longer I continue to do this - the longer my unhealthy relationships will continue.  Until I can let go of the fantasy and face reality, things as they really are, I will not be able to move forward. 

New goal this week: Stop using the word should when referring to mine or other's behavior, and work to see people for who they are.