Feelings 3.6

Oh, how quickly the pendulum swings. Just last night I wrote about how I had a pretty good day and tonight - I am totally practicing recovery in principle and not emotion.  If it were up to my emotionally, I'd be in bed already and not doing my nightly routine of processing emotions. I'd be curled up, isolating from emotions, people and decisions. BUT - as I was making the decision to skip the blogging and everything else tonight and was ready to jump into bed, in my mind the words formed; I practice recovery in principle and not emotion.  So here I am.

The question is - what is going on for me emotionally that I feel like isolating myself? Nothing major really happened today. I'm very good at recognizing Capital T Trauma, a car accident, a break-up, an episode with my family, a stressful situation at work.  However, I'm NOT good at recognizing little t trauma, feeling overwhelmed or rejected, being pulled in too many directions, feeling bad about myself, etc.  When enough of the little t stuff builds up - the results is a capital T reaction with nothing real to point at for the cause.  Does that make sense?  I know this feeling though -- it's the one I've had the last few times I've acted out and lost sobriety.  I am determined to not have that happen and so here I am.... :)

Fear: I went to the hip specialist today. Although a hip replacement is not necessary, his determination is that surgery is. Diagnosis: Femoral acetabular impingement. Basically, I have too much bone and it causes issues with my hip joint.  How do you look for a job when you know you're going to have to have surgery?  And he is saying the recovery time can be up to 9 months before full activity is allowed.  9 months?  Hate this.

Shame: I'm ovulating. (you may want to skip this part.... brutal honesty here). From my early 20's ovulation was the worst time of the month for me. I have a period you can set a clock by, every 27 days, literally on a calendar I start my period every 27 days, no fail. I have very light, normal PMS - not a problem. Ovulation -- problem. I get worse cramps than during menstruation, enough vaginal discharge to feel like I'm bleeding, only it's clear, and the slightest thing can work me up. It's like my whole body is screaming "Impregnate me already!". You can imagine how fun that is for a sex addict. It's screaming pretty loud today and I feel super shameful about it tonight.

Anger: My mom gave me a hard time today on the phone about calling her. She answers the phone and gives me a hard time because I "haven't called in so long". Really?  Do you check your messages?  I left one on Monday, two days ago. I talked to you last week on Thursday. That is "so long" ago?  I do feel better about today because I called her on it. When she started in, I actually said, "You know mom, I called earlier this week and left a message. I didn't hear back from you." And then just let it sit there. Result? The never ending self-shame. "I know, I'm a bad parent. I have so many things to get done at work, but my family really should come first. I'm sorry, I'll try harder." I can never win with that woman. Again - proud of myself. I didn't stop her, or interrupt or try to make it better. I just changed the subject. Good response?  I don't know, but at least I stayed out of the drama.

Guilt: Still didn't call Kim about piano lessons.  I just don't know if I want to take an additional 3 students. That is what is really driving this.  I feel like I "should' do it. But I don't know if I want to. I need to make a decision tomorrow and do it.

Pain: I'm in physical pain tonight with my hip. The doctor today did all sorts of pushing and pulling and stretching,etc. It hurts. I hate it.

Loneliness: I sat in the living room tonight with my sister and didn't say anything about my hip, or mom, or anything at all. I have this huge emotional block with her. It felt lonely to sit there and know that she doesn't really care what happens to me or how I'm doing. I don't want to share my life with her either. Sharing has been so dramatic in the past, I have no desire to have that level of drama anymore. Yet - I hate the feeling of sitting there and being a stranger to my own sister. I've to figure this out.

Joy: All my piano students had good lessons today. They all practiced hard and made significant progress. I love days like that. It makes me joyful to see them enjoying what they are doing and learning so fast.

Love: One of my friends posted a picture tonight of her little son making a temple out of his hands. When they asked him what he was doing he said "making a temple like sister smith showed me. I love sister smith. Now sing the temple song." I, of course, loved it. I hate not having my own children, but LOVE the children in my ward and the awesome opportunity I have to teach them the gospel. I feel so close to them and am grateful for the love as well. I love that they associate me with things like temples and music and prophets and primary.

Passion: So I'm really hating reporting on this emotion and so I'm not going to.  That will be my little act of rebellion tonight.  LOL  Wow -- I'm such a rebel.

Ok - going to bed. I might need to catch an extra SA meeting tomorrow. I'm just overwhelmed tonight. Finding a job, therapy, facing surgery, dealing with my mom and my family, feeling uncertain about my future, etc.  A lot of anxiety and a lot of unknown. I don't deal with that well.  Give me black and white, don't give me gray.  I hate gray. I know it's the trendy color right now -- but I don't like it!