Feelings 4.1/4.2

The single adult activity I planned went really well last night.  Over 150 people attended. Everything went well.  Those activities can be extremely triggering for me. The single adult culture in this area is not fun for me. As long as I approach these activities as an opportunity to serve and not a social event, I do well. But if I'm looking for any type of real social interaction or fun, I'm always disappointed.  There is also a very judgemental attitude. At least I feel there is. It's triggering to go to these events, knowing that every man is sizing you up for potential, and every woman is sizing you up for competition.  Yet - at the same time, I know I need to be social and meet new people.  It's difficult.  Point being -- I was up late and so feeling processing didn't happen yesterday.  Today is going to be a mixture of yesterday and today. :)

Anger: At the activity last night a few things happened that really made me angry. The woman who had brought the food was absolutely unwilling to change the location of the food within the activity at the last minute.  We wanted to move the table about 20 feet.  Seriously. She just looked at me and said, "I don't do last minute changes well. If you want me to keep it together, you will not make me move the food".  Really?  20 feet is going to make you lose it? Ok - we'll keep the food right in front of the bathroom door. That way you can pick up a drink and listen to someone pee at the same time.  Fine.  Also - the guy who was supposed to help with parking didn't show.  By the time I got to the lot, the early birds had literally blocked the lot off.  The open space was all blocked off.  I had to track down people and have them move their cars so we had enough room to park everyone.  Exciting stuff.  I am sometimes floored at how stupid people are.  Who thought it would be a good idea to block off the rest of the parking lot?

Fear: There is always a lot of fear involving these activities.  What ifs run through my head all day.  The biggest one is - what if no one talks to me?  Totally ridiculous because I know nearly everyone there by name and spend time with  6 or 7 of them nearly weekly, but yet I am still haunted by it. I sometimes feel like I'm 11 years old on the playground -- is anyone going to pick me? I hate that haunting feeling I have. Talking myself down from it is routine now, but I wish I could never go there to begin with.

Pain: Only myself and one other woman showed up to the SA meeting this morning. It was good because we each had a lot to put out there and to share. She is going through so much right now and it pained me to watch her talk about some of it. 

Shame: I called and had an extra therapy appointment on Friday. I feel shame about that desperate feeling I have sometimes where I know I can't go another week without seeing my therapist. I feel shame around not being able to "handle it". Even though I know he is not judging me, I sometimes think that he must think I'm crazy, or that I cry wolf about silly things that I'm struggling with. I hate doing it - but know that sometimes I literally can't go a full week without seeing him a second time. Lately, he's been providing me with a lot of words that I didn't have before. Sometimes I know what I'm feeling, but literally do not have the words to express it. Or I know what I want to say, or how I want to handle a particular situation, but cannot come up with the right words to do it. I can explain the situation and he can say the right thing. 

Guilt: I still have not called KIM about piano lessons.  TOMORROW!

Loneliness: This was a hard one for me yesterday and today. Last night, at the activity, I spent most of it with my friend "Nate". We have been close friends for nearly 3 years. Nothing going on between us romantically. He expressed some interest at some point in time, but I turned him down. When it comes down to it, I'm really not attracted to him. Love him to death, honestly, but just don't see us living our lives together. We're in the same ward, and serve together in the Single Adults. At activities like this, we are usually inseparable, which we were last night. I have a boundary that says "I do not flirt with men I have no real intentions with". It is sometimes hard for me with him. I know I could, I know he would respond, yet I can't. Spending all night with him last night was triggering for me and made me feel lonely.  Then today - I really had a great day! Spent time with several people and had great conversation and great experiences. It was a great day! And then they all went home to their husbands or partners tonight and I went home to my house with my sister who is on her period and is bitchy right now. I wanted someone to go home to as well. 

Joy: I was amazingly proud of my friend and how she handled the recent crisis with her husband. She was AMAZING!!  It brought me joy to see how stable she was today and how empowered she felt. You could see it in her eyes and in her face. She is am amazing woman and I feel blessed to know her.

Love: I went to the temple yesterday for the first time since beginning recovery. I've been able to go since January but have been scared and have struggled to do it.  I went yesterday with a friend from my group therapy. I felt loved. I felt worthy to be there. I was so glad to be able to share it with her. I was so appreciative of her love and support. It was so great to go with someone who knew how big of a deal it was for me to be back there. When I told my therapist about the experience that afternoon and we discussed it a little bit, he teared up. First time I have ever seen my therapist cry. Cry is probably an overstatement. His eyes got glossy and he fought the tears, but there was a tissue and an eye wipe involved.

Passion: I am developing a new passion around self-care for a number of reasons.  The last week or so, I have had a really hard time with body image issues. Most of the problem revolves around clothes. I go to my closet and hate everything I see and don't feel like anything fits and then I feel bad about everything. Yesterday, I nearly had a melt down trying to decide what to wear to the activity last night when I realized my problem:  My wardrobe is two sizes two small. When I lost 70 lbs. almost two years ago, I got rid of all my big clothes and bought a huge new wardrobe at my new size. Over the past two years I've gained back 50 lbs and yet, have only bought a handful of pieces, always telling myself that I'll lose weight and be able to fit into my cute clothes again. Every day I tell myself that as I put on clothes that I hate and don't look good on me. When I had this realization yesterday, I could almost hear my nutritional therapist saying - Is that honoring your body? No it's not. So this afternoon, I went and bought new clothes that fit me right now and that I love. I'm glad to have them.  But it's this concept of honoring your body that I'm passionate about. My body is a gift. It's a privilege to have a body. It's something I earned the right to by choosing appropriately in the pre-earth life. And yet, I've spent many years abusing it with food, sex, not exercising, not taking care of myself emotionally. I feel the change happening inside myself. I feel my self talk changing. I'm loving it.

Ok - I think that's everything. I'm exhausted because I only had about 5 hours of sleep last night. It is time for bed!!!!  :)